I tend to be an emphasize-the-positive-and-ignore-that-bad-happens blogger. This is different than being an optimist and it's not real. So here's how I'm really feeling right now. To preface know that I love my life and my sweet spouse, my adorably good kiddos, I know Heavenly Father loves me and I'm not going to do myself bodily harm (unless the pan of rice crispy treats counts). But boy am I in a funk right now and I feel like nothing in my life is working really well. Examples:
Ellie is getting up every two hours at night (and FOR two hours sometimes) and I don't know what's wrong or how to make it better. Worried it's because I'm running so much and don't have enough milk because she always acts starvingly hungry too.
I ran a 10K on Saturday (in 1 hour and 3 minutes- the one bright spot in this story) but now have lost all desire to run. Could be that I lost 20 pounds but have lost NOTHING in the last almost 4 weeks (and no, my clothes don't fit better so I'm not losing inches or gaining muscle). Could be that my feet are killing me because I need better shoes and yet I can't shoe shop with 2 kids. I'm not good at shopping without kids. I need a team of people forcing me to try on one more thing or I'll go get a Wendys frosty and then go home.
Our computer is slower than a Leapfrog laptop toy and I'm trying to do a project online and my computer won't cooperate!! I want a desktop computer that can take all the pictures, music and other data that I throw at is like a man.
Carter's preschool is difficult because he's about 1- almost 2 years younger then these kids and they don't treat him well. It breaks my heart and again I feel so helpless because you can't make someone be nice (though you can remove them from the situation)
I feel like I cannot get a handle on my calling as organist- I suck it up (excuse my language) every week and want to cry when I'm done. I practice- why am I not getting better????!!!!! Besides the obvious reason I guess, that I don't know how to play the organ.
We are in the middle of a gas crisis and I have no idea how all these other peeps find gas but I tried three different days, almost ran out of gas trying, finally found gas but had to wait in a 50 car line for an hour and now feel like I can't leave my house until we are out of crisis mode.
Those are just random examples, I could go on but I won't. My baby, whom I love, just woke up from her whopping 20 minute nap and is screaming upstairs. I just feel like I don't have much control. We have been trying so hard to have FHE and pray and read our scriptures but somehow I'm missing something. Maybe I'm not listening well enough? I'm pretty sure no one reads my blog but if you do- any advice?
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Best friends (aka Sibilngs)...
I could entitle each post "My heart is full" or "My heart is in my throat about to come out of my eyes in liquid form" or "No one told me being a mother could make me so stinkin' happy". I love to see my sweet kiddos interact together. Carter is the sweetest big brother. Always wanting to talk to Elise or show her a toy or put a sticker on her head- and she can't get enough of him! Today I was getting jealous because I was trying to talk to her and whenever Carter would drive his cars close by or say something she was craning her neck to see him and smile at him. I started giving them a bath together (I put Ellie's special tub in the big bathtub) and they were a riot! Carter would holler "squish" as he squeezed the water out of his washcloth and Ellie would laugh hyserically! Over and over and over. When I'm getting ready or making dinner I ask Carter to talk to Ellie and he'll lay next to her and let her play with his face and he'll make her laugh and she'll babble at him. Maybe Carter is just old enough or maybe they are just kindred spirits but he has never tried to hurt her, even on accident, and he never gets upset with her or the attention that she needs. I was so afraid to mess with the happiness that Joe and I had with our sweet little Carter, little did I know about the joy of siblings.
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