I tend to be an emphasize-the-positive-and-ignore-that-bad-happens blogger. This is different than being an optimist and it's not real. So here's how I'm really feeling right now. To preface know that I love my life and my sweet spouse, my adorably good kiddos, I know Heavenly Father loves me and I'm not going to do myself bodily harm (unless the pan of rice crispy treats counts). But boy am I in a funk right now and I feel like nothing in my life is working really well. Examples:
Ellie is getting up every two hours at night (and FOR two hours sometimes) and I don't know what's wrong or how to make it better. Worried it's because I'm running so much and don't have enough milk because she always acts starvingly hungry too.
I ran a 10K on Saturday (in 1 hour and 3 minutes- the one bright spot in this story) but now have lost all desire to run. Could be that I lost 20 pounds but have lost NOTHING in the last almost 4 weeks (and no, my clothes don't fit better so I'm not losing inches or gaining muscle). Could be that my feet are killing me because I need better shoes and yet I can't shoe shop with 2 kids. I'm not good at shopping without kids. I need a team of people forcing me to try on one more thing or I'll go get a Wendys frosty and then go home.
Our computer is slower than a Leapfrog laptop toy and I'm trying to do a project online and my computer won't cooperate!! I want a desktop computer that can take all the pictures, music and other data that I throw at is like a man.
Carter's preschool is difficult because he's about 1- almost 2 years younger then these kids and they don't treat him well. It breaks my heart and again I feel so helpless because you can't make someone be nice (though you can remove them from the situation)
I feel like I cannot get a handle on my calling as organist- I suck it up (excuse my language) every week and want to cry when I'm done. I practice- why am I not getting better????!!!!! Besides the obvious reason I guess, that I don't know how to play the organ.
We are in the middle of a gas crisis and I have no idea how all these other peeps find gas but I tried three different days, almost ran out of gas trying, finally found gas but had to wait in a 50 car line for an hour and now feel like I can't leave my house until we are out of crisis mode.
Those are just random examples, I could go on but I won't. My baby, whom I love, just woke up from her whopping 20 minute nap and is screaming upstairs. I just feel like I don't have much control. We have been trying so hard to have FHE and pray and read our scriptures but somehow I'm missing something. Maybe I'm not listening well enough? I'm pretty sure no one reads my blog but if you do- any advice?
8 comments:
NO real advice I think your great! I love your smile, you are a good organist ( I always know what song you are playing). I will go with you to get new shoes. UMMM as far as Ellie sleeping Chase did the same thing to me. I can't remember what I did ( see one day you won't remember either) I know I am not much help but here's a ((((HUG)))).
I read your blog and I love you and miss you. I'm sorry you are so down right now. Sometimes these days tend to drag on and it doesn't seem like anything goes right. You are a huge example to me and even though we aren't really ever around each other I still always want to be like you. As far as Ellie not sleeping goes, maybe you are right about the milk and you should supplement formula. I used to think I would be a bad mom if I didn't nurse all the time, but I tried so hard with Lucy and after 7 months she just didn't want me anymore. I was heartbroken, but that didn't make me a bad mom. If you want a positive blog to read you should check out the nieniedialogues.blogspot.com if you don't know about this woman then you will after you read her blog. She is amazing and very positive about motherhood in general. Her posts have helped me a lot on days that I felt like no one really knew how bummed I was inside. Take care, things will look up I promise!
Motherhood is rough. There are times when we just want to curl up in a corner and cry. Sometimes that's what we have to do, just to keep ourselves together. We love our children and miss when their gone, but can get so stressed when their around. These are all normal and none of us are babd moms because of it. No one is perfect at everything, not even the organ. With all the trials I have dealt with recently, I talk to my mom first(she helps fix my brain so I am not so negative). Then I just try and push all the negatives out of my mind. Sometimes we just get in this downward spiral and can't seem to get out of it. Just count your blessings one by one, just as the hymn says. You will honestly feel much better. Also, give me a call and vent (801)804-6624. I am always willing to listen. I promise!! Hang in there and try to smile a lot. I would say more, but I don't want to fill up your comments page.
Hmm, Ellie sounds just like Ali used to! My mom gave me really hard advice-let her scream-29 minutes is too short, 31 minutes is too long. As long as she's fed, warm, dry, and safe, she'll be okay-you may be a basket case-she just needs to learn whose boss!! Just kidding!! Eventually she'll get better-it's just hard right now! You are a great mom, incredibly patient, tell Joe to take care of her sometimes at night, you have to do it all day and you're tired!!
As far as the running goes-I can give you lots of advice there!! Something that has ALWAYS helped me out, get a subscription to Runner's World if you haven't already and really read it!! There is tons of advice, recipes, tips, etc . . . for every type of runner.
Oh, and the organ-I think you do a great job! But, if it's really getting tough and it's interfering with other things in life, tell the Bishop, he'll help you out!
Sorry the long comment . . . hang in there, sometimes life has it's downs, but stay positive-and move back to Utah!!
Dawnelle, I love you!! I am so sorry that things haven't been going well. But you are probably doing a lot right, because Satan is working really hard on you right now. I always try to think about that when everything goes wrong. It really means that you have Satan scared silly and he is working like crazy to get you to stop reading your scriptures, or having FHE, or loving your kids, or doing your calling. You are amazing though and I know you can get through it!! You are always such a great example to me. Life isn't always perfect, but it doesn't mean that you are broken. I love you Dawnelle!! You are amazing and you are my hero!
I am so sorry! I wish I had known how crazy life has been for you lately when I talked to you the other night! Hang in there, this too shall pass, I promise! And Congrats on your 10k!!! Yeah right you don't run fast...hello!?! That time is great! I haven't even hit 5miles yet so you are way ahead of me! I wish I could just drive down there so we could go get you some running shoes together, but I promise we will be there in December to play! You are a wonderful mom and wife and this is SO NORMAL. About 80% of my days are like this :) I love you and call me so we can finish our talk!
Dawnelle, don't forget time for yourself to recharge. Get a babysitter, take a friend, and go shoe shopping. I always say, 'you can only give what you have.' So if you find that there isn't much left to give don't forget to take a time out (even if it is just a few minutes with the bathroom door locked :)
love you and wish you the best! Thanks for your honesty, it is so endearing!
Jedda
one more thing-the organ: as a teacher I guess I can say this, if you make a mistake JUST KEEP GOING! You will notice more than anyone else does-REALLY! My professor always said, 'keep your secrets.' AKA: NO APPolegizing! Do your best and that is your offering to the LORD. REally!
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